Falling in Reverse

"God, if you're above
I fear that one day the whole world will disappear
And if it does, will I have lived my life
The way that I could, the way that I should"
God, If You Are Above -  Falling in Reverse
So side note to all of this I love Ronnie Radke. Yes, I'm aware of his prison time but man...his voice. I was so excited when I remembered the band he formed after he was booted from Escape the Fate (also near and dear to my hear).
Anyways....on to today. I honestly don't want to write this post. I'm still hurt and somewhat in shock as to what was said to me. You think you know someone then out of no where they metaphorically stab you with a knife, repetitively. Not only that but my self care has been shit. I finally washed my hair after about...I don't know...3 days? That isn't terrible but it's been so cold and my knee has been killing me so I'm just like blah. I hate this gloomy weather too, it isn't the greatest.

Moving back on track. So this morning when I was at work I was thinking to myself Awh man....I'm not going to have anything to write about today. Everything is hunky dory. Nothing can go wrong. Ohhhhhh but it did. So last night I asked my MOH to not be in my wedding. It was a really hard decision and question to ask her because I do want her there but this wedding has already caused so much drama (which I've taken accountability for my contributions) that it was really hurting our relationship. Now there was another one I was going to talk to in person about having her step down because we also had had drama (also took accountability for my contributions) and it was really breaking down our relationship to the point where I didn't think it would survive. SO I thought it would be a good idea that she wasn't in the wedding (seemed logical to me). My ex MOH and I talked about if she could tell the other girl (let's call her X), that she wasn't in the wedding if X brought it up. I had no issue with it because I knew my ex MOH needed someone to talk to. (BTW. It was a mutual agreement between my ex MOH and I about her not being in the wedding. There wasn't any fighting, screaming, tears or anything. We were both sad but she felt some reliefabout not being it, like a weight was lifted off her shoulders.) Welllll....she told X. And then shit just went south.
I got a text from X saying she decided to remove herself from the wedding, which I was cool with. I got a little confused because of how she worded the whole text because it came across as she was ending our friendship and wouldn't come to the wedding. So I responded to her saying I understood and then asked her if she was ending the friendship and if she was coming to the wedding. Her response...fuck me guys. I could have been on a spinning wheel and she was the one throwing daggers at me that were actually hitting me. Just dagger after dagger after dagger. I'm not going to go into a lot of details of what she said but there are a few things that I want to share that really hurt me. She ended up telling me she doesn't ever feel like she can trust me again. That I've emotionally manipulated, berated, lied to, lied about, and abused her. Okay, that shit killed me. First I was like wtf...abused?...how have I abused you, or berated you or manipulated you?...This isn't making sense....our interactions in regards to this wedding don't add up to that. I've never lied to her or about her. How could I lie about someone? and it just went from there. Her and I have gotten into heated discussions via text (one time) but in person or on the phone I was super calm, super sweet and tried to be as honest as I could be so this not only hurt me but it confused the fuck out of me. But I'm not done. 
She goes on to tell me she doesn't think we can be friends, but not because she doesn't want to. Basically because of me. But then turns around and says she hopes shes wrong and wants to be friends. Then that turned into for that to happen she has to meet normal functioning human being Brittany who wants to regain her trust. Umm...excuse me? Normal functioning....are you fucking kidding me?! I function the best that I fucking can with my mental health. I just had my fucking meds increased. I am literally working on myself every fucking day and I am recovering from almost killing myself 2 weeks ago and you want to meet the "normal functioning human brittany". Just fucking speechless you guys. I honestly am. My normal is not everyone elses normal. If someone is my friend that have to understand that my base line (aka "normal") has changed. "Normal" used to be me depressed and suicidal. "Normal" for me now is going a day without crying or having a mood swing. (Which I go about 1 to 2 days without one). I just want to scream that I am not fucking normal. I never have been normal. I'm fucking different, I am unique. I am fucking me! And the human part? What, am I acting like a cat, mouse, dog, car, water, sun, plant, air....what the fuck am I acting like. A crazy fucking bitch who has a temper? WELCOME TO MY MOOD SWINGS. You don't just gain control over your fucking emotions after 2 years. I struggle almost every fucking day with something. Whether it be not going off on my fiance because he said something insensitive, or getting riled up because I'm interpreting someone's text as pissy, or shutting down because someone is lecturing me. I have triggers, like most people with mental health do. I am still learning. Most people don't get diagnosed with Bipolar until the 30's or older. And if you really want to say how long I've been actually working on myself? A year, at the end of march. So 365 days of me trying to remember coping skills, trying not to have anxiety attacks, trying to stay calm, trying to not loose my shit, trying to not let the mood swings win. 
I personally think that if you do not live with someone, or interact with someone on a daily basis to the point where you're talking in depth about what they're going through you're not going to understand the full picture. I don't. You also have to want to understand and not just put a pile of shit on one person and be like you're at fault, you fix yourself and be normal. Arguments, disagreements, fights, conflicts, whatever are all 50/50. There are 2 people there so both people are accountable for what they have done. If you honestly believe that it's the other persons fault completely and not you're own, you need to reflect and ask yourself What could I have done differently? I already know what I would have done differently if I could go back to when I first got engaged. Through the experience and the fights I could have talked in person, I could have hid my anger like I normally do. 
I honestly hate this post. I didn't want to write this, I didn't want to talk about it but I knew I not only needed to but I had too. The reason for that is that I had to do this for myself. I needed this out of my system. I needed to put this to rest. 

Well...I guess that's it for tonight.

Keep Weavin Thru Life


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