Introduction

*Trigger Warning*
This post may be triggering for some. There is talk about suicide but the plan will not be shared.
If you or someone you know maybe Sucidal please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8225 or text "connect" to 741741

Hi, my name is Brittany. I'm 24 and I live in Texas. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, severe depression and anxiety, and borderline personality disorder almost a year and a half ago. I also have been suicidal since I was 11.
It has taken me almost two months  and I wanted to share my life and how it is like living with my mental health but I never had the energy; that changed this morning.

A week ago I almost committed suicide. I had been at this point a few times within the last year, probably about 4 times. This was different. I had my plan, I had figured out where I would do it, and I was going to leave letters to my fiance, and both of my parents. I told my fiance what was going on and he told my mom, who called my dad. My dad was the one who called me during lunch so instead of going home and doing what I had planned, I talked to him instead. I figured I could still go through with my plan later that day, so that's why I talked to him.
We talked about what was going on and what had triggered it. I explained it was about having children and how I couldn't see a way that my fiance and I could afford it. He laughed and told me no one's financially ready but people still do it.
The phone call ended up calming me down but when I got back to my desk the suicidal thoughts came flooding back. I staid at work for the remainder of my work day and headed home. I thought even though I had this plan, if I didn't talk about it then it would all blow over. Not was I wrong.
My mom called me once I got home and I shut down immediately. I was going to go to a mental health facility* and I refusing help. I had gotten through this plenty of times so why do I need to go? It ended up turning into my fiance almost calling the cops because I kept telling him that I would be alone at some point so he couldn't protect me 24/7. Thankfully the cops weren't called and off to work I went the next day.
I couldn't keep it together that day at work so I left and went straight to my parents because I didn't trust myself or feel safe to be left alone. I ended up seeing my therapist that night and we were able to talk through everything. She was worried because she explained that there's a small window of time where people will actually kill themselves and with my manic stages she could see it happening.
Instead of going to a mental health facility I went home to my fiance, took a mental health day the following day and saw my psychiatrist. She increased my medication and since then the mood swings have lessened and I haven't been suicidal.
I still have passive thoughts here and there but the plans been buried. I have this sneaking suspicion that at some point it will come back but I know what to do to make sure that I don't go through with it.

I guess I'm writing this to share my story and to let people know that this happens. Sometimes it happens without warning and other times there are signs you ignore. You can get help either way, all you have to do is ask or tell someone you need help.

I plan to keep posting and share my days with you.

Just keep weavin through life.
Xoxo
Brit

* a year ago I was admitted to a mental health facility because I was suicidal and had been for 3 months. I told my therapist and she called my parents. Long story short, I ended up in the hospital a week later and was transported to a mental health facility.

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